sunny rays

“Let the illuminating rays of the morning sun revive my spirit, renew my soul, and fill my heart with the hope of the descending dawn.” – mb

This morning I rolled over in my two-foot-wide bed and was greeted with the sunny and peaceful dawn of the morning. It has been rainy the past few days (or weeks, it feels like) and my spirits have felt the same dreary, sobering mood that the overcast, grey skies bring. But today, I rolled over and I saw sunshine and felt a joy and hope spring up inside me. I consider myself a somewhat-paradoxically optimistic yet skeptical person about things. I was raised on seeing the best in others, being the bigger person, and always finding forgiveness because life is too short to hold grudges against others. Skepticism, though, has woven its way into my life though and not in a necessarily bad way. Healthy skepticism can prevent pride, overconfidence, and faulty judgement. I’m at a place in my life, though, where I want to reevaluate what I’m making priority and what tendencies recur in my life. Periods of fasting and prayer have urged something deep within me to reconsider what I’m considering important in this life; what idols have I unintentionally set up? How do we as a society and especially as believers deconstruct those things that have begun to take root in our hearts and outcompete our love for others, doing good, and living Christ-like? What does it mean to live authentically as a Christian and a doctor, scientist, writer, teacher, lawyer, musician, etc.? How can I change my life in such a way that it is refocused, centered, and set on sights of above?

In my shallow attempt to answer some of these questions, I’ve quickly learned it is both complex and uncomfortable to address your life in such a way, as an observer or outsider. Life itself can be hard, and it’s my superstition that too many people are afraid of hiding their fears and insecurities, their big challenging questions. How are we supposed to parse through what is important in life if we can’t even discuss it with the people who are present in our lives every day? I am just as guilty about this as the next person, but for some reason I’ve felt the need to change that and to eliminate this hindrance in my relationship with others and with God. When I started this blog, one of my intentions was sincerity about the hard things in life, like body insecurity, loneliness, divorce, failure. This was my platform of exposing the vulnerabilities and being real with others. Now, my attempts to write are often displaced by obligations to study or work. So instead my goal has been to create real, vulnerable and truthful relationships with others. When I “feel the need” to start doing something different in my life, even if it so minute and seemingly insignificant, it is usually inspired by the heavenly Creator. I don’t want to wear these masks every day in front of others, always answering with the “right” question when someone asks something meaningful about your life. One time in church, I was so caught off guard because my pastor once asked me how I was doing. Of course, as we all do, I answered, “Oh I’m doing fine, how are you?” and his response was, “No, how are you really doing, what’s going on in your life?”. He caught me at a time where I was really struggling with some things behind the scenes, and this intentional, thoughtful question provoked something in me that is usually deeply buried in daily conversations. He didn’t just care about filling the space between us with empty words and conversation, but he wanted to dig deep into what was going on in my life. This type of real, intentional conversation and community with others is something that I long for these days. I’m tired of artificial conversation, wearing masks that make our lives look flawless and unrealistically strong. This is not what I want.

Jesus never said to avoid letting others into your mind where there may be insecurities, doubts, questions. In community, we have the opportunity to break down walls. My walls are pretty rigidly constructed after years of maintenance and reinforcement. I’m the first to admit to being the type that always appears put-together with “everything figured out” but let me first handedly say that this is not the case. My doubts and fears are cumbersome and admittedly scary and unwanted. I question things. I feel out of place, uncertain, and confused sometimes. Instead of bottling these feelings up, I’ve began to embrace them and talk through them with others. I’ve began, most importantly, to talk through them with God. As I would my best friend, I welcome God’s input on my situation and seek for His answers instead of my own. I really think our best bet at answering some of the hard, anxiety-inducing, and uncomfortable questions I mentioned above is partnering with God in prayer and in life. It requires a community of believers and friends that can help you navigate through life’s toughest issues.

I think something transformational is happening in my life right now, something that is helping me to reevaluate and rethink my old tendencies and desires. It feels small and subtle but present. For some reason I felt the need to write it down, talk it out, put it out there for the world. Maybe God is calling you into something more than artificial relationships and surface-level Christianity. My hopeful, optimistic heart is overpowering the skeptical, doubtful nature of the human being. I think there is more for us than achievement, recognition, reward, promotion, and perfection. Something urges me to articulate that when we partner with God, truly anything can happen. Let the renewing rays of the sunshine remind us that there is hope on the dawn.

“This is my command — be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9

“I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 3:14

new beginnings

The textbooks are purchased, the desk is decorated, and the coffee has already been brewed (multiple times). I can smell the start of a new year, and I can certainly feel it. Sophomore year as a pre-medical student is full of the “hard” classes and a lovely phenomenon called the “sophomore slump”. My year as a sophomore will be filled with organic chemistry I and II, genetics, microbiology, molecular biology, statistics, and some humanities classes. As I sit and prepare for the upcoming year, I naturally feel very overwhelmed (taking a look at the syllabi didn’t help either). But the truth is, I don’t want to fear what God has given me. My education, my freedom to pursue a career that I picked and no one picked for me, is a blessing. Sometimes I get so attached to the things of this life (GPA, honors, awards, leadership positions, and ultimately two letters after my name), that I get consumed with the accompanying anxiety of it all. The only way I can escape this anxiety is by remembering the true honor of this life. The reward that satisfies only the deepest desire of my soul. The heavenly eternal promise following this temporary life. And while this seems extreme, it is the only thing that keeps me at ease in the midst of chaos. This world and the society that I am a part of is increasingly negative, judgmental, and uncertain. Belmont, although one of my favorite places to be, is a place that is an extension of this world and cannot fulfill the greater call I have been given. My place in this world, molded by my decisions and mediated by the purpose God has placed on my life, is to seek and glorify the Lord’s name in all that I do.

“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” -1 Corinthians 10:31

So “whatever you do” for me right now is a whole lot of studying, reading, writing, calculating, speaking, meeting, and trying for success in the career I aspire to pursue. Likewise, I will seek to glorify God in those things and by doing so that requires that the anxiety accompanying it all to cease. A difficult challenge (not just for those in college, but in any profession or situation) but I believe by chasing the things of above, God will grant strength to all those who trust in Him. I can only hope that the things I am pursuing in this temporary life satisfy and please the Creator of it all. My prayer is that this semester I see my studies as an opportunity to learn new knowledge to impact the world in the way God calls me to, whatever that may be. I pray to see challenges as a test of character and faith to encourage me to grow stronger. I pray for comprehension, retention, and recall in understanding the complex content that I will be required to learn. I pray mostly for optimism, hope, and joy in this semester. I pray that love permeates the air that I walk and that the people I encounter know that they are loved, cherished, and important to me. My prayer is that God blesses everyone’s pathway this semester and that we all possess thankfulness for the blessing of new beginnings. This is my prayer.



When I was a little girl, it is clear in my memory a time that I mentioned to my mom that I wanted to pray for something very specific. I don’t exactly remember what I was going to ask for in prayer, but I do remember her adding some comments to my inquiry that have stayed with me through the remainder of my life and truly made an impact on the way I approach my prayers. I remember her telling me that when I pray for something, I need to remember to ultimately pray for God will’s to take precedence. This has really molded and transformed my prayers throughout the years, indicating to me which prayers I truly wanted God’s guidance and counsel on, and the prayers I sent up that were viewed as “wish-granters”. I have heard this “If it is God’s will” echoed throughout the prayers lifted up my grandparents and family members all of my life. Praying for God’s will to happen before mine removes my emotional attachments to the situation and really puts my request in God’s hands.

When I find myself saying a prayer, maybe something like “God, I pray I get this [fill in the blank]” and then I add “God, I pray I get this [fill in the blank], if it will be Your will.” There is a fleeting moment of truth that follows that expresses how my personal feelings are towards giving God full control of the situation. Often, I realize that I am inclined towards God’s will supporting my own will (naturally), but I need to realize that sometimes it isn’t going to. And I need to truly, genuinely be happy with the outcome of either situation. So if I make a request to God, and find myself anxious or nervous that He might see the outcome different than I do, I know my emotional attachments to that request are deeper than my trust in God. This happens to me OFTEN, and I am definitely not claiming to be perfect (and I never will be). But I will admit that I no longer have the inability to accept an outcome different than my own. Maybe He doesn’t want me to have something now because there is something better waiting on the horizon. Maybe He wants to teach me something or show me someone and that doesn’t coincide with what I have requested. I have learned to take control of my attachment to worldly materialism and pride and subordinate them to the will of a God that has my best interest at the core of His purpose.

Let me clarify that not all of my prayers are seemingly selfish requests to God. But some of them are, and I think it is important to share with you all how much adding, “..if it is Your will” at the end of my prayers has transformed my self-awareness of my feelings towards what I am asking. I really think it has made me less attached to the outcome of things because I know that my requests were not asked in selfish desire but in an attempt to give God control over something in my life I find important enough to lift up in prayer.

Ultimately, God’s design for situations will always prevail. His will holds importance in our lives, where ours holds none. So my prayer tonight, is that all of you will find the truth in your requests and will pray with sincerity and a heart that seeks the Lord, if it will be in God’s will.