Life thoughts

power of words

The power of words. We often say that words are powerful, that they are able to transform the world, and I think we want to sincerely believe this. I also think we say a lot of things that we want to believe but struggle to fully support. In today’s society, it seems that action is valued more than words. I’ve always been told to “pay attention to how someone treats you, not what they tell you.” This is great advice that I’ve always valued. People can say a lot of things. They can say that they like you, are happy for you, or support you but truly their actions are what enforce these sentiments. But should we totally discount words? Should we be so jaded by the broken promises and empty declarations that are given to us in this world that we don’t even bother to care for the words others tell us? I romanticize things too much to think this way. I’m a classic optimist. Because of this, I’m led to believe that words are very powerful, even more powerful than action. This morning, I sat thinking about the young lady who coerced her boyfriend to commit suicide. How powerful her own words were. She was served a 15-month sentence; she had no weapon for evidence, was far from the crime scene, and unfortunately left questionable doubt in the jurors. I’ve been grappling with our justice system quite a lot here lately, internally, so I’m not sure what I would have done if I had to make a decision in that case. Sometimes I think about our criminal justice system and become appalled, as if I am viewing this world from the sky, watching how we treat other human beings – that’s another topic for another day though. Nonetheless, I am convinced that her words powerfully persuaded someone else to take his own life; and that is worth talking about. This case raises the awareness of how powerful our words are. We can use our tongue to convince someone they’re insignificant, unimportant, or inferior. Conversely, we hold a powerful tool to lift people up, enlighten, and encourage. Our words matter.

I remember with high acuity the times that people said something that penetrated deep and hurt who I am. Sometimes, words cut deeper than a real knife ever could. I would never punch someone, especially someone I love, but maybe I do mindlessly let my words hurt as bad as physical wounds? It’s hard to think like that. It is painful to imagine our words causing pain to someone else, but they do. We separate what we say and what we do so well in this society. You can post all you want on social media, but it doesn’t necessarily follow what you do. Likewise, it makes sense that we are more inclined to ascribe meaning to physical punches than verbal ones. If I hit someone, I leave a visible mark of the damage I’ve done. When I shame someone with my words, though, the mark I leave is invisible. This translates to the unquestionable nature of a physical illness (measurable diseases, like atherosclerosis or hypertension) versus mental illness (less objective measurements like depression or anxiety). Why does this dichotomy exist? Why do we delineate between what is seen and what is said? Haven’t we observed the cruel effects of cutting language and mental diseases, both of which provoke beautiful, purposeful lives to truly consider their worth on this planet? Shouldn’t we start talking about this? I think this case of a young girl strongly persuading her boyfriend to kill himself should wake us up but not come as a surprise of the power of words. Instead, it should serve as a reminder of the power we have to convince and convey ideas, true or false, harmful or helpful. I think this issue moves beyond merely being nice to others but speaks of the false authority we give to tangible, physical qualities (punches, heart disease) over more abstract concepts (language, mental illness). What is the best way to eliminate this dichotomy? I don’t know. But we can always start by talking about it.

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Life thoughts

experiments

There’s this fleeting moment during an experiment, almost every time, where I stop and think I have completely messed up. I spent the past three days preparing to run an RT-qPCR (real time quantitative polymerase chain reaction if you’re interested) to see if our gene of interest is overexpressed in certain heart tissue. After 15 hours of work, today I put my eyes down, made sure I was ready to go, and began working with the tiniest volumes to prepare the final reaction. I manually pipetted into 96 wells twice (so 192 times). I was so focused on not messing up (this was my first time doing qPCR solo and they gave me the big experiment. . .) but that malevolent little thought rushed in once again. About halfway through the entire process I thought, oh no, you’ve messed up. What was the last sample used? Did you put the right primer in? Is the volume correct? Literally, every worst-case scenario entered my mind. In these often-had moments, I question my process, my accuracy, my proactive thinking, even my basic skills. No matter how confident I am, in these moments I lose all confidence and question things I know to be true. This happened to me today, and I’ve been experiencing this long enough to have mechanisms to mess-up-proof my experiments (like labeling everything, being very intentional in where samples are placed, and using my pipette box as a roadmap for where I’ve already been on the plate). Importantly, I catch my mind while immersed in this doubt and assure myself that I haven’t made a mistake, that I have been very cautious and attentive, and that I am doing just fine. If you’ve read this far despite nonsensical lab stuff, thank you. I realized that this self-initiated doubt is not confined to research but is universal in all of life.

How often am I moving right along, doing just fine, everything is working out, and my mind says to me, Oh no. You have really messed up. You’ve made a big mistake. Everything you’re doing is wrong. I’ll admit, very often. We have experiences, trials and errors, that guide us in life. We make decisions based on knowledge and feelings that we have previously experienced (either in hopes to feel or not feel that way in the future). For the most part, I’d say we are not blindly navigating through life without any guidance (like that cherished from friends, mentors, learning from past mistakes, intentional thinking, etc.). We live like skilled researchers, already filled with the knowledge of how to do our task or with the capability to obtain what we need to know to carry on. It is not that we are taking the wrong path or doing the wrong thing. It is that our minds are telling us that we are. Self-initiated doubt is a destroyer. In the middle of my experiments, it causes me to question what I know is right. In the middle of my life, it causes me to question my actions and pursuits. I so often am living my life, completely satisfied and happy, when that deceptive voice urges me to question everything. Unlike my research skills, I’m not as disciplined to channel my confidence and squander the doubts. This parallel became so clear to me today – doubt creeps in everywhere and to everyone (well, to me at least). Instead of worrying about everything I’ve done wrong or may do wrong, I hope to instead take a note from my laboratory self and remember that I’m capable, skillful, and perfectly fine carrying on in the way that makes me happy. While this example is very specific to my experience, I feel like anyone can think of a place they are skillful (on the court or field, in a job, as a mom or dad, in any hobby) where they don’t let doubt affect their ability to do that skill well. My hope is to live my life a little more like that so the nagging worry and unnecessary questioning don’t invade my happiness and peace of my mind. I guess I hope to live like a crazy scientist that trusts her hand, her skills, and her process – because we all deserve the peace of mind that comes from confidence and self-assurance.

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Uncategorized

imperfect

Social media paints layers onto our lives that are flawless, perfect, and fantastical. Many talk about how our Instagram feeds are “highlight reels” of everyone we follow, and this is so true – why would anyone want to flaunt their mistakes, imperfections, and difficulties? There are some people who do “keep it real” but even then, it is always in the context of a happy ending or an edited, attractive picture. I follow a few who bare it all without reservation, and I applaud them and thank them for their sincerity. If I’m being honest, though, probably 95% of the images and messages I see online are glowing with happiness and success, highlighting beautiful faces and bodies, and exhibiting the highs of life. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this! Life is beautiful and should be celebrated as such. It only stings on the days when nothing you do goes right, you fall into the sticky trap of comparison, you cry because of loneliness, you learn of sad or heartbreaking news, you feel unattractive and tired, or you just downright have a bad day. Except for those days. I would argue that more times than not a pretty picture is covering up layers upon layers of real, true human flaws and imperfections. We are not perfect people, and I’m tired of acting like we are. I’m tired of trendy photos that I hope will get me likes, or posting photos that I think others will find interesting. I am tired of narcissism running rampant through online outlets, making young girls feel the need to flaunt their bodies to attract boys or post photos with silly captions to fit in. The stakes are high when it comes to social media – what will other people think of this? Will I look trendy? Will this impress people? Am I going to be accepted if I post this photo of myself? These are things I think all the time, and I have a feeling I’m not alone. I am trying to use my social media to grow readership, but in all honesty, I would still write even if no one read my writings (and, in fact, I do write things that I don’t let anyone read). I write because I love it and it is an outlet for my wandering, captive thoughts. Despite this, the truth is that I am human. I have bad days where I feel overwhelmed, inept, and lonely. I have days were my world feels shaken and hopeless. I have days where I feel unloved and unappreciated. I question my choices, my circumstances, and my feelings all the time. To act like things are all good, all the time is unfair and inauthentic. No one lives that way. So, if you’re like me, out there reading and seeing images of beautiful people with their lives perfectly held together with a smile and a list of accomplishments, please know you are not alone and that you are not the oddball out. I am right there with you, holding my head high on the days I feel inadequate and exhausted and bowing down in thanks on the days I feel untouchable and accomplished. The good outnumber the bad, but the bad enable me to fully appreciate and experience the good. Feeling uncertain makes the times I feel certain even more confirming and exclamatory. Feeling inadequate intensifies the times I feel competent and appreciated, successful and rewarded. Feeling alone makes those times I am surrounded by friends and laughing with sincerity even more sweet. All of these things make me feel innately human, wrapped up in the whirlwind of life; sometimes bound to reality by the steel anchor of defeat and other times floating in the clouds with the kite of triumph. It’s all a balancing game, and I’m here to proudly admit to feeling down some days. I am here to forgo what others want to hear and will instead speak the unwavering words of truth: we will fall, hurt ourselves, experience the pain, dwell in the defeat, and then pick ourselves up, wipe off the hurt, and smile for others to see how far we have come, what we have accomplished, and how cool we look doing it. Just don’t forget that before that ending occurs – the part you see on Instagram and on Facebook – the first few steps have already happened and will happen again, too. It may not always be pretty but it is simply the circle of life; despite the hard days, we are all so blessed and should be thankful we get to live it.

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